[Review] Cats

We came. We saw. We suffered.

Only the deepest, darkest depths of the netherworld could hack up a hairball as wretched as the new Cats movie. 

It’s atrocious. It’s horrifying. It’s appalling. 

None of this makes any sense. The plot is that there is no plot. All we really know is that the group of cats are called Jellicles and they’re competing for a shot at reincarnation or something, and considering how unbelievably horny and sexualized this thing is, they might as well be called Testicles. Rails are straddled, legs are spread, and hairy private parts are thrust across the screen like some sort of furry fever dream.

There’s something inherently creepy and disturbing about the rendering of the humanoid cats. It’s the stuff of nauseating nightmares. The set designs and colors look like a unicorn had an aggressive bout of diarrhea and decided to use the entire town as a toilet. The motion-capture and visual effects look like what would happen if a Snapchat filter became possessed by an evil spirit. 

And then there’s the hysterical combination of how the cast is genuinely going for it and how stupid they all actually look. An emotionally-charged Jennifer Hudson plays it dead-serious, singing like all 9 of her lives depend on it, and it’s hilarious. It’s just hard to take someone seriously when they’re belting out their lungs with twitchy cat ears on top of their head, superimposed whiskers, and a drip of snot that seems to randomly alternate between each nostril like a game of Whack-a-Mole. 

James Corden just spouts about being fat and tries so desperately hard to be funny that it’s pathetic. Will he make fun of himself on his late-night show? Rebel Wilson’s baffling scene of her being awakened to scratch her crotch, flop around, unzip her skin, and eat a line of humanoid cockroaches is something that no one should ever have to witness. Of mice and monstrosities. Judi Dench looks like she’s forgotten where she is or what she’s doing half the time. Jason Derulo over-acts like he’s somehow on an episode of The Masked Singer and Dancing with the Stars at the same time. And after this, that might be his only fate. Taylor Swift pops in for a wannabe showstopper that falls flatter than the bottom of a litter box. The only thing she proves is that her voice isn’t meant for musicals. Her character sprinkling catnip onto the other cats and putting them into a daze is fitting on multiple levels, because altering one’s state of mind might be the only way to convince people that this isn’t an absolute disaster.

Most embarrassing is Idris Elba. It’s a performance that’s so bad that it makes his turn in Obsessed look like a masterclass. It’s a performance that’s so bad that you’ll never be able to rewatch “The Wire” the same way ever again. 

There are so many questions that this film raises. Why do the cats have clear human hands? Where does the chosen one actually go? What is Gandalf doing here?

What’s so mind blowing is that this is a film that actually got made. Someone watched a final cut of this thing and thought “Yep, it’s good to go.”

I wanted to gouge my eyes out, but at the same time I couldn’t look away, except for when I made sure to locate the emergency exits in case I had to make a run for it.

This is the kind of movie that should be recalled from the market. It’s the E. Coli-tainted lettuce of films. This is the kind of movie that we have to warn future generations about. If aliens ever found out that this is something our civilization created, we’d be doomed. 

There’s just no way to wipe it out of your memory. There’s no rewinding back. 

I thought about my own real cats, and how they’d hate to be associated with this movie. I thought about the night, and whether I’d ever be able to sleep again. I thought about what it would be like to live in a post-Cats world, and how nothing would ever be the same. 

When the credits rolled, my wife and I looked at each other - speechless. A new day has begun. And I’m afraid. Very afraid.

( 0/10 )