[Review] The Great Wall

What do you get when you throw warriors, monsters, and explosives into a film and base it around the Great Wall of China? Unfortunately, a crumbling disappointment.

The Great Wall is a mediocre epic that majorly lacks a distinct identity, and I'm not even referring to the controversial lead casting of Matt Damon in a film that takes place in Ancient China. It's not that director Zhang Yimou has created an atrocity or anything, but this truly doesn't seem like a film that came from the same helmer of legendary films like Hero or House of Flying Daggers. It's low-level fantasy fare. A way (way) lesser piece of The Two Towers. An underwhelming alt-"Game of Thrones".

Barin (Damon, buried beneath a beard and a manbun--also I'm not sure what's going on with his accent here) and his sidekick (Pedro Pascal, "Game of Thrones", "Narcos"), are mercenaries in search of "Black Powder" (basically gun power). After a run-in with a vicious beast, they're captured by a Chinese army called The Nameless Order, led by General Shao (Zhang Hanyu). But the two prisoners impress with their fighting skills, and it's enough to get them recruited to fight alongside the soldiers for the next big battle against a charging legion of screeching dragon-like hyena creatures.

It's as ridiculous as it sounds but somehow not nearly as entertaining as it sounds. This thing is a CGI overload and hollow spectacle, through and though. A Helm's Deep-lite (way lite). There isn't much development on any front, and therefore not many reasons to invest in what the hell is going on. The film does showcase a few pretty sequences though: The synchronized lines of soldiers and crisp pounding of drums. The surreal night sky of floating lanterns. The blue-cloaked warriors acrobatically diving into battle against the muddy grey tones of the monsters. As far as the monsters go, there isn't much explanation about their existence (aside from a random meteor crash), how exactly they inhabit this world, and why they all decide to band together and attack the humans every 60 years.

Jing Tian as a Troop Commander is easily the most intriguing part, and I can't help but think there could've been a great film in here somewhere if she was the main protagonist and the story was fleshed out more. But I guess that's asking a lot, especially as the film is racking up at the global box office anyway.

( 5/10 )

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[Review] Get Out

Get Out is a warped beast entirely of its own. Concept-wise, Jordan Peele's feature directorial debut is one of those wildly blended cinematic experiences that you don't often see pulled off with this much success. It's all at once an effective horror film, a gut-busting comedy, a sly commentary on race relations, a searing satire on the terrors of white supremacy, and a psychological cult escape thriller.

Meet Chris (Daniel Kaluuya, Sicario) and Rose (Allison Williams, "Girls"), an interracial couple packing up for a trip to visit Rose's parents. Chris is concerned because Rose's parents don't know that he's black, but Rose insists that he doesn't have to worry because "They would've voted for Obama for a third term if they could." But as soon as the couple arrives at the rural estate, something is more than a bit off. The place begins to resemble a modern-day slave plantation, with its groundskeepers and housemaids wandering around in a brainwashed trance. And I'll leave it at that.

It's a bold and off-kilter premise that transcends simple parody or an extended sketch. Peele conjures up a tense and stressfully awkward atmosphere that you couldn't chop through with an axe if you tried. There's genuine horror craft here--the discomforting music, the slow-gliding camera, the well-calculated jolt scares, the pod people-like eeriness of the surrounding characters, the twists... And it isn't afraid of getting gruesome either. The whole thing is like a "Twilight Zone" nightmare that turns too real.

The script is really funny too. Hilarious even, from the biting and hysterical lines of dialogue to the oddball predicaments and keenly tongue-in-cheek jabs. Chris' best friend Rod (played by Milton "Lil Rel" Howery) serves as a great source of comic relief, and "Atlanta" standout Lakeith Stanfield gives a deliriously amusing performance. In fact, the entire cast is fully game.

This film will make you jump. It'll make you squirm. It'll make you laugh. It'll make you sweat. And it'll make you desperately want to yell "Get Out!"

* 9/10 *

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[Review] Fist Fight

Ah, the good old "meet me after school" fist fight. Except this one is between a pair of teachers...

It's 'Senior Prank Day' and students are racing on mattresses down stairs, horses are running through the hallways, and there are dicks drawn...everywhere. Charlie Day and Ice Cube star as Mr. Campbell and Mr. Strickland, a pushover English teacher and a tough-talking history teacher, respectively. The students pit them against each other, and Charlie Day's character sort of gets Ice Cube's character fired. Not one to go down lightly, Ice Cube sets up a 1-on-1 throwdown IN THE PARKING LOT!

The humor is totally hit and miss. Mostly miss. Okay it's kind of awful. A lot of it is crude, perverse, and just loathsome. But there are a couple funny moments from funny people here. Tracy Morgan plays a coach whose teams consistently lead the league in losing. Dean Norris pops forehead veins as the school's hotheaded principal. And Kumail Nanjiani serves as a bumbling security guard. With that said, the only part I really laughed at involves Ice Cube yelling at his class of bratty kids and insisting that the Civil War wasn't the same thing as "Batman vs Superman" or "Tupac vs Biggie".

But Fist Fight comes with a mighty thin plot, so there's a big gap to fill between the beginning and end, and most of the material just doesn't fly. It's unabashedly over-the-top, but in the worst ways. It plays like a 21 Jump Street D-side. It's basically the "Cash Me Outside" of teacher comedies. It also relies too heavily on the notion that people still think a bunch of loud F-bombs are hilarious and edgy. And depending on your threshold for hearing young caucasian girls obnoxiously rap Big Sean songs, you might want to get yourself expelled from sitting through this movie.

While there's a bit of fun to be had (and I really mean a bit, like an eraser tip's worth of fun), the film is pretty much what you'd expect from a low-level, first semester romp.

( 4/10 )

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[Review] The Salesman

Iranian writer-director Asghar Farhadi has built an acclaimed reputation crafting complex family dramas like About Elly and the Oscar-winning A Separation. His latest, The Salesman, continues that prestige. The film is a devastating portrait of an uprooted marriage--with it's crumbling trail of destruction leaving no easy answers.

Opening with an impressively chaotic long take within a collapsing apartment building as its occupants scramble to evacuate, we focus in on Emad (Shahab Hosseini), a teacher by day and stage performer by night, along with his wife Rana (Taraneh Alidoosti), who's also a performer (they're both cast in Death of a Salesman), as they subsequently move into a new place that's a bit of a fixer-upper. But the leaky bathroom isn't the worst of the problems. Apparently the previous tenant attracted some bad customers, and their mark hasn't been completely wiped away. I won't go into too much detail, but a violent intrusion occurs that sends to couple into a shaken down-spiral.

It's a slow-burner, at first playing like a psychological drama, dwelling in friction, trauma, and the paranoia of the event's aftermath. Things progressively shift seamlessly into a mystery-thriller with an engrossing revenge plot that contains some heart-racing beats that actually aren't so different from 2015's Palme d'Or winner Dheepan and even Denis Villeneuve's Prisoners.

The Salesman is tremendously acted all around, with leads Shahab Hosseini and Taraneh Alidoosti embodying these characters with nuance, depth, and a stunning sense of raw humanity. It all escalates into a masterfully intense and almost unbearably stressful climax that really piles on the complications, rendering the film as a hefty and well-wrought examination of the potent tragedy caused by life-damaging moments, blurred morality, and the high-stakes price of revenge.

* 9/10 *

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[Review] The Red Turtle

In a co-production between Japan's renowned Studio Ghibli and Dutch animator-director Michael Dudok de Wit, The Red Turtle is a major change of pace within the animation world. The quiet, dialogue-free film is both remarkably minimal and as vastly moving as the ocean. It's truly a meditative wonder of rich, visual storytelling.

The tale revolves around a man who gets stranded on a deserted island after a shipwreck. At first, the film feels like a 2D blend of Castway and Life of Pi (I'd throw in Swiss Army Man too if it weren't for the fart factor), as we see the guy's desperation, exhaustion, and loneliness. But when a big red sea turtle shows up ashore, everything changes...

The film is presented in charming and primal hand-drawn animation, set with earthy tones and scenic views of equatorial nature--from deep green jungles to sandy beaches crawling with timid crabs. Sometimes the visuals drift into dreamy black & white nighttime sequences, giving off hallucinatory and existential vibes. It's all aided by a gorgeous (but not overpowering) musical score.

Even though the film's runtime doesn't eclipse 80 minutes, it still might test the patience of some viewers, but that patience will be greatly rewarded. What begins as a somewhat typical island survival story, gracefully transforms into a surreal yet universal tale of humankind, nature, and life.

( 8/10 )

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[Review] Fifty Shades Darker

Fifty Shades Darker doesn't need much of an introduction, following the massively polarizing kink-exhibit novelty that was Fifty Shades of Grey. But instead of diving deeper, pushing toward a new direction, or righting past wrongs, this film just feels like a lackluster sequel that's simply here because it's tied to an obligation. Running through the motions. A peculiar case of scandal-lite.

The plot sees Christian (Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) rekindle their steamy affair again, but this time Anastasia insists "No rules, no punishments, and no more secrets" (I guess those are rules, though). Anyway, it doesn't take an erotic fiction expert to know that these guidelines aren't going to last. When creeping co-workers and jealous exes get involved, things are bound to get DARKER...

...But not really. There are actually quite a few genuinely chuckle-worthy moments that break through some of awkward air, as if director James Foley is letting the audience in and drawing attention to the inanity of it all. So, for a brief time I thought, okay this isn't that bad. It's watchable. It's not making me want to rip my eyes out. But after a while it just becomes tremendously dull and boring. The stilted dialogue, the static repetition, the robotic lust, and Christian's crude and stalkerish possessiveness is all too tiresome over the course of two hours. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan still don't have any chemistry, and you know, chemistry is fairly vital for a film like this.

It's the type of narrative that Lifetime movies have pulled off with more gusto. This thing has the dramatic heft of a daytime soap opera. And the sex scenes aren't really anything you can't witness on premium cable (I suppose there's a bit more spanking though). While the film itself isn't appallingly bad or anything, it still isn't even close to edgy enough (for better or worse) to be memorable.

All things considered, Fifty Shades Darker is pretty vanilla.

( 4/10 )

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[Review] John Wick: Chapter 2

He's built a reputation as a cult action icon and a notorious assassin. The eyes of his enemies widen at the mere mention of his name. He's the Boogeyman, but real. Even Chuck Norris can't hold a candle to him. He's John freaking Wick.

Keanu Reeves reprises his role as the titular character--the man who in 2014's John Wick went on one of the greatest revenge sprees of all time after a group of mobsters stole his car and even worse--killed his puppy (tear). This time around, despite wanting to get out of the hitman game, John Wick gets sucked into a new mission by the organization he gave a blood oath to, and things get... messy, as the narrative plays out like an operatic purgatory of maximal violence.

In a welcome move, Director Chad Stahelski has also returned for Chapter 2. So even if the film doesn't spark the initial surprise of its predecessor--the fact that it retains everything that made the first one great and propels it tenfold--renders it as not only a more-than-worthy sequel, but also one of the best modern action flicks you'll see. What elevates it is the striking cinematography: the rain-glistened streets, the floods of neon, and the careful attention to detail--from the lush lighting to the aesthetically pleasing frames. The picture's artfulness often recalls the visual splendor of other acclaimed action films like Nicolas Winding Refn's Drive or Sam Mendes' Skyfall.

It also possesses a sly sense of humor. As brutal as things get, there are plenty of amusing reaction shots and funny lines to make you chuckle in between the madness. And that brings me to the film's money shots, and by "money shots" I mean the top-notch action sequences. They're choreographed with an exhilarating and stylish flair without being muddled by rapid cutting or shaky cam (thank goodness). And simply put--they're just really cool. To name a few things, we get to see John Wick engage in an intense knife fight with Common on a subway, shoot his way through catacombs and an elaborate hall of digital mirrors and sliding doors, and singlehandedly kill three men with a pencil!

As Kanye West once said in a song, "Any rumor you ever heard about me was true and legendary." The same could be said of John Wick. The guy keeps reiterating his desire to retire, but for the sake of us all--let's hope he doesn't.

* 9/10 *

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[Review] The LEGO Batman Movie

After 2014's surprisingly awesome The LEGO Movie, the film's show-stealer of a Batman has gotten his own audacious spinoff. It's death-defyingly exciting. It's darkly hilarious. And it's tons of brooding fun. Did you catch all those heavy descriptors? Because this Batman wants to make sure you know that he's gloomy and full of rage.

Its initial premise is not an unfamiliar dynamic: The Joker (voiced by Zach Galifianakis) terrorizes Gotham City... Batman (Will Arnett) shows up to save the day... But things shift when a new police commissioner (Rosario Dawson) steps in and outlaws Batman's vigilante activities and urges him to work with the force. But you know Batman--he's stubborn and likes to do things his own way. So he teams up with his Michael Cera-voiced son (yes, you read that right) whom he accidentally adopted (yes, you read that right too), in order to permanently blast The Joker into the "Phantom Zone", a place where the most notorious villains dwell--Dracula, King Kong, Voldemort, Sauron etc...

The terrific script cleverly references Batman incarnations of the past, pokes fun at them, and pays homage--all in a tightly connective and energetic manner. The volume of great jokes is high, and they fire off in rapid succession (the trailer alone seemed to pack more chuckles than the entirety of a lot of the less-than-savory comedies that enter theaters--looking at you Dirty Grandpa), stacking jokes on top of jokes--to the point where your laughs need to catch up from the previous bit. What's also amusing is how this Batman persona is somehow painfully self-aware and totally oblivious at the same time, managing to be multidimensional as a character in a movie of animated Legos that's already based on another character. Will Arnett's gravelly voicework and comic timing fits perfectly, too.

And speaking of the animation, this Chris McKay-directed film may appear basic or rudimentary at the surface, but the more you pay close attention, the more crafty details you'll notice--the scratch and scuff marks on the Lego pieces, along with the oily shine they display, as if someone has gotten a lot of use out of them. The depth of field is so impressive and the plastic textures are so vivid that it seems like you could reach out into the screen and grab the blocks. The busy color palette glows with secondary hues amidst high-contrast lighting, you know--because Batman has to have shadows. 

While The LEGO Batman Movie lacks the sly commentary and imaginative, heart-tugging revelations of its Lego Movie predecessor, it still dives into some themes of loneliness, isolation, and self-absorption and spins them into themes of teamwork, friendship, family, and the importance of setting out to make the world a better place. It might even make you feel feelings and stuff, but don't tell Batman I said that.

* 8.5/10 *

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[Review] Rings

"This is gonna sound crazy, but have you ever heard about the videotape that kills you after you watch it?" - An actual line from the first few minutes of Rings, an abysmal new horror film that's supposed to be some sort of extension of the American version of The Ring franchise.

The shoddy plot revolves around said videotape, as a couple of personality-less college students and their irksomely useless professor attempt to solve the deadly mystery.

Rings is too on-the-nose, too trite, too ill-conceived, and too dull to be scary. Toward the beginning there's a pan across an estate sale that features a prominent shot of Alien and Jurassic Park VHS tapes, almost as if the film is laughably trying to suggest that it's in the same realm. And for whatever reason, there's even a pointless scene where an insect crawls out of a joint that some guy is smoking--maybe you have to be high to appreciate it. Between the film's utter lack of intrigue and thrill, the whole thing just turns into a muddled cycle of "Who Cares?" Even the title is uninspired.

I'm not saying the people in this movie are bad actors, but the characters they play are painfully bland. I got the impression that a set of cardboard cutouts could generate more amusement. The script contains some dialogue that is so bad that it hurts your ears, along with some visuals that are so corny that they hurt your eyes. It's as if the movie itself is its own cursed incarnation of awfulness.

Where is The Bye Bye Man when you need him?

( 3.5/10 )

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[Review] Toni Erdmann

Writer/directer Maren Ade's Toni Erdmann is a German comedy oddity of sorts that could've been a great romp if only its laughs and heart weren't so diluted amidst the strenuous runtime. In other words, the film is a big gag that plods instead of runs.

Meet Winfried Conradi (Peter Simonischek), a lonely piano teacher and genuine prankster who wants to get back in touch with his estranged workaholic daughter Ines (Sandra Huller). When things don't go so well, Winfried takes on an alter ego--the titular Toni Erdmann--a playful and goofy character who dons crooked teeth and a head of hair that looks like a dead poodle. As Ines navigates the business world, Toni pulls some shenanigans in an effort to make to her crack a smile.

This sounds pretty swell on paper, but unfortunately you have to deal with a lot of yawns along the way. The unnecessarily tedious first half often delves into boredom. There are scenes that begin too early and drag on for far too long, and there are some full sequences that frankly just aren't very interesting--stuffy business meetings, humdrum office parties, chatty cab rides... The funny stuff comes when Toni, for better or worse, embarrasses Ines in front of her uptight co-workers and engages in some escapades that come off like bizarre, jokey performance art. The sweetest moment showcases an impromptu father-daughter karaoke duet of Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All". And the film's hilarious, notoriously awkward and slyly liberating highlight of a setpiece involves Ines baring it all during a company team-building activity (I'll let you guess what that means).

But much like Toni's raggedy hair, I wanted to take a scissors to the film's 162-minute length and thoroughly chop off all the messy and extra long chunks. In a new development, Paramount Pictures have taken notice of the potential crossover appeal of Toni Erdmann and announced a remake starring Jack Nicholson (emerging from his Lakers seats) and Kristen Wiig. My guess is that that one won't be three hours long. And while I'm usually opposed to these on-the-heels Hollywood adaptations for audiences who don't like subtitles or bothering to search out foreign films (See The Secret in Their Eyes, The Delivery Man etc...), this is a rare case where I might be able to embrace it.

( 6/10 )

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[Review] The Founder

Ah, those iconic golden arches. The cheeseburgers. The milkshakes. The fries... The incorrect orders. The cheap and fattening food. The questionable sourcing methods... Whether you have a love or hate relationship with McDonald's (or both at the same time, like me), the place has become a staple of American culture. The Founder tells the story of the fast food empire's monumental origins.

Ray Kroc (Michael Keaton) is a businessman and shameless hawker with a 'more more more' and 'faster faster faster' attitude. One day he stumbles upon his first McDonald's restaurant. After ordering a hamburger, french fries, and a Coca Cola, (there's quite a generational shock for us when his order total comes to 35 cents), he's given a tour by the actual McDonald bros (played by John Carroll Lynch and Nick Offerman), and let's just say Kroc is in his greasy glory.

One of the most fascinating things about The Founder is watching the people in the film react in awe to the quick-dining customs that we completely take for granted nowadays: You're telling me my order will be ready in a few minutes (most of the time, anyway)? And I can eat it on the go?? And from a bag?! Yes, the things that have become so normalized for us were once *brand new* concepts, so it's amusing to ponder the initial enthusiasm and confusion, hiccups and all.

The actual drama warms up when Ray Kroc makes it clear that he wants a piece of the pie (or should I say burger?), flaunting ambitious goals of transforming the establishment into a franchise (he repeats "franchise" about 20 times in case you don't get the point). He moves forward with his vision, but not without some shady deals, taking a little more credit than he deserves, and being frankly just kind of a big ol' jerk. The film definitely doesn't shy away from portraying him in a negative light. I mean, the guy is a swindler ("Ray Kroc" almost seems too rich to be his real name).

Michael Keaton gives a solid performance, slipping into a higher-pitched, talk-through-teeth delivery without being too gimmicky or distracting. This is a keen, driven, hot-headed, conniving character who's willing to throw anyone in his path under the bus, and Keaton nails it. The script is full of juicy lines of dialogue, you know--in that clever and catchy, winking Americana sort of way. Unfortunately there are some stretches toward the end where the film loses steam, as if director John Lee Hancock slacked in keeping up any major tension and opted against embracing the first act's feisty tone.

So, sometimes you wish The Founder had a bit more spunk, but overall, the final product is mostly satisfactory.

( 7.5/10 )

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[Review] Paterson

Jim Jarmusch's Paterson is a slow but insightful, easygoing yet thought-provoking ride about a dude named Paterson who lives in Paterson.

By sheer nominal coincidence, Adam Driver plays a quiet bus driver, observing the city and listening to the conversations of every day people that step through his automatic doors. Paterson (that's his name) is also a notebook-carrying poet, jotting down material that turns mundane subjects into something of introspective beauty. His wife Laura (played by Golshifteh Farahani) encourages him to show his work to the world, but he's in no hurry.

Much like Paterson's poetry, the film itself very much cruises along in the same listless yet lyrical way. The nicely shot picture places focus on the little details and routines of a '9-5', everything before and after, and life in general. It's not a premise that exactly screams excitement, and it's type of stuff that might cause casual filmgoers to fall asleep within the first 10 minutes, but there's still something genuinely charming about it. It feels communal. Comforting, even. And it's intently littered with cultural references from Iggy Pop to Emily Dickinson, Abbott & Costello to Fetty Wap.

In a pleasant surprise, hip-hop vet Method Man makes an appearance in a dingy laundromat as an aspiring rapper (ironic). Another meta-wink comes when a couple of college students hop on the bus for some idealistic banter, and it took me a moment to realize it, but it was the two leads from Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom. Then of course there's Adam Driver's nuanced performance as a simple man with deep thoughts, continuing to prove he's one of the best actors in the game, whether it's on a blockbuster or indie scale. But the real star might be Paterson's bulldog named Marvin. The chunky fella loves scoffing while he basks on the living room chair.

With all that said, as it arrived toward its two-hour runtime, even I began checking my own watch and thinking of tasks on my schedule that I needed to do. So the film didn't completely floor me, but it did make me wonder how many city bus drivers out there also are Patersons.

( 7/10 )

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[Review] Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Ah, Resident Evil: The Final Chapter. Or as I thought, Resident Evil: "Wait, this is still happening?" or Resident Evil: "Wait, this isn't the same thing as Underworld?"

Opening in a ravaged Washington D.C., Alice (Milla Jovovich) returns as the series' rugged killing machine of a protagonist, but this time she's lost her psychic powers and must round up a group of ragtags in order to battle against the evil Umbrella Corporation, led by Dr. Isaacs (Iain Glen) and his army of undead--before they wipe out humankind.

Aside from the fact that this film just takes itself way too seriously, the whole construction of this thing is just massively unappealing. I knew things were looking grim when the narration in the prologue did an on-the-nose play-by-play of exactly what was taking place on screen. Then there's all the abrupt jolts from zombies jumping out of rubble, which are more jarring than entertaining, more obnoxious than scary--especially as the sound alternates between complete silences and ear-shatteringly loud music. The action sequences are muddled by aggressive quick-cutting and brutal shaky cam. There's no sense of rush. No sense of awe. I mean, Milla Jovovich speeding in a jeep while playing 'Chicken' with a giant Pterodactyl-like creature should just look more exciting than it does.

Iain Glen, who most people probably know as Jorah Mormont from "Game of Thrones", is a naturally charismatic actor, but unfortunately his villainous role here is mostly relegated to standing around and reciting awfully uninspired dialogue.

At any given time, the film's picture is either shaded in a drab haze or cloaked in darkness. I get it, that's the aesthetic of the world's setting, but I also got the impression that some actual video games probably look more visually engaging than this movie. I'll never be opposed to seeing Milla Jovovich kick some major ass, but in Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, sometimes you literally can't see it.

( 4.5/10 )

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