[Review] Yoga Hosers

I can wholeheartedly say that Yoga Hosers is one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life. Writer-directer Kevin Smith seems to have been content with putting out the most aggressively stale and obnoxious film possible. It's actually nightmarish how awful it is. And no, it's not the type of good-bad as say, Tommy Wiseau's The Room. This thing makes Adam Sandler's recent endeavors look like Citizen Kane. It's like being subjected to someone else's boring and embarrassing home movies. It's like one giant inside joke that probably isn't even funny for the people involved.

Set in Manitoba, the film opens with Colleen and Colleen (played by Lily-Rose Depp and Harley Quinn Smith) having a loud and off-key rap-rocking jam session like two teens who just discovered Beastie Boys. In case that isn't annoying enough, they deliver a horrible karaoke-like power ballad later on. The two besties speak unironically by using hashtags and outdated selfie and Instagram lingo (out loud). And they work at a convenience store called Eh-2-ZED because haha Canada? Anyway, there's not much of a plot here. Rumblings of Evil Dead-esque voices swirl through town, which turn out to be little Nazi bratwursts with spiked helmets who unexpectedly drill up into people's butts. It's somehow a more unimaginative gag than Seth Rogen's deplorable Sausage Party.

Yoga Hosers makes sure to let us know that it's operating in the same realm of 2014's Tusk, the first installment of Kevin Smith's True North trilogy, which I actually found to be amusingly deranged, despite it feeling like a short stretched out into a feature. Along with Lily-Rose and Harley, Justin Long and Haley Joel Osment return but as completely different characters, because that makes sense... Johnny Depp also reprises his cameo role as fumbling detective Guy LaPointe, and the guy sounds inebriated out of his mind. It was fun in Tusk, but here it stretches into a tired novelty.

Speaking of stretching, Yoga Hosers shouldn't have been stretched out into anything. It's thoroughly pointless and stuffed with loads of nearly unwatchable filler. The dialogue is atrocious, and the cast draws attention to their exaggerated accents like an amateur Fargo. "Jokes" get regurgitated throughout the film as if we didn't hear how unfunny they were the first time. (Notice how I placed quotation marks around Jokes.) There isn't any sign of a story until about 50 minutes in. The good news is that the movie is over halfway done at that point. The bad news is that it's still too long.

The climax unleashes some commentary on critics, but it comes off like a self-indulgent temper tantrum, basically suggesting that other people aren't allowed to comment on this piece of hack trash that Kevin Smith flung into theaters. So if your goal was to make us hate this movie, you succeeded.

( 0/10 )

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